"A boy is as old as he is treated."
~ Winston Churchill ~
The last couple years, my posts have mostly come from either months and months of thought, or years and years of thought.
This post comes from the years.
When I was twelve years old, I read a post by a friend of mine on her blog called "Nurturing Your Brothers' Manhood." Even just the title caused me to think.
The idea of 'nurturing' 'manhood' was sort of new to me. God had already done a huge work in my heart regarding my relationships with my siblings, turning a specific nasty relationship I had unhappily had with my oldest brother (now co-worker!) into something very sweet. This was primarily through things I had learned and had my eyes opened to by the book "Making Brothers & Sisters Best Friends" by the Mally's. (Very highly recommended!)
But this was a whole new way of thinking... not just 'getting along' and 'loving each other,' but actually taking initiative to invest proactively in their manhood, as a woman.
1) It took viewing myself as a woman! Up until that point, I had sort of just thought of myself as an "existence." But I realized that if I wanted to help build my brothers up, I had to aspire to something noble myself. Even at twelve years of age.
2) It took viewing their "existences" as a something specific that God had made on purpose. That there was a goal He had in mind for them and specific ways He wanted to mold, lead, and use them.
3) It took learning to view each interaction I was given with my brothers as a gift of grace... an opportunity God has given me to invest in wisely with discretion, purpose, and joy.
4) I had to learn along the way that I cannot change them at all. I can only be faithful to be all that He has called me to be, by His grace. And I can pray for them.
So that was amazing. A new thought for me. A new concept. I mulled over it for years, desiring that God would make me a 'nurturer of my brothers' manhood(s).' I had eyes and heart open to any additional pieces of advice in this area. I greatly wanted to be a positive blessing to my brothers in their path toward godly manhood.
At the same time, I despised and rejected the advice to just "look at them a certain way" or "just say certain things to them and they will change." With much time in the Word and prayer, and talking with godly older women, (and a guy-cousin around my age helped me realize this too!) I realized that sweet looks and charming flattery are not the same as nurturing a man's manhood. Sweetness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit, not tools for manipulation.
Okay.
But recently, I have decided to take a look back and think about what I have learned since reading that article when I was twelve. And there were so many thoughts that I decided to sit down and think through them all in writing form. :)
Before I do that, I want you to know that the fact that I'm writing this does not mean I am a holiness expert, an amazing sister, or a learned-it-all. In fact, I feel like I am just on the journey. I know there is so much more for me to learn about being a better sister, and I am in fact also re-learning some things with brother relationship #3. :):) But the sobriety of this concept being considered, understood, and embraced to the glory of God inspires and motivates me to sit down and begin to think these things through "out loud."
If you read this article, you may find that the way up is actually down. Where we as sisters have the most influence is actually usually when we stop trying to fix our brothers and let God do that in His way instead.
1) I am not his Holy Spirit
“God gives us discernment, not so that we may criticize, but that we may intercede.”
~ Oswald Chambers ~
I am learning there is one sufficient Holy Spirit, and that I am not, can not be, and should not try to be, the Holy Spirit of my brother.
If it feels like a brother needs to change so much in a certain area (or many areas!!) it can be very tempting to act as his conscience and remind him of those things every time the issue(s) come(s) up. But this is not God's will for me. He has given me a different role. He can play that role perfectly Himself. As my friend Allison said, this does not mean that we cannot ever speak the truth in love, correct, or even rebuke a brother (in fact, like she said, if every word we said to them was about how awesome they are, we would not be speaking the truth to them or being a good friend) but the most effective thing I can do for them is entreat the Holy Spirit to work in their hearts. And then step out of the way, encouraging them positively whenever helpful and keeping silent in the meantime as the Holy Spirit does His work.
I love what Leslie Ludy said once --
"If you see areas in other Christians’ lives that need to be refined by the Spirit of God, the worst thing that you can do is to gossip, criticize, or develop a superior attitude toward them. Instead, pray for them diligently, and consistently show them the love and nature of Jesus Christ. James 1:20 reminds us that “human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (NIV). Adopting a harsh, angry, critical attitude toward other believers will not help to accomplish God’s purposes in your life or theirs. A critical spirit can never produce the righteousness of God. It always leads to harm and never to good.
Remember, it is God’s job to convict, refine, and purify another person’s soul — not ours. When we try to become someone else’s conscience, we are revealing our lack of faith in God’s ability to do His refining work in their soul. Don’t try to do the work that only His Spirit can do. He is far better at convicting and purifying than we ever could be!"
The Bible promises that if we ask according to His will, He hears, and if He hears, then we know that we have the petitions asked of Him. If we are asking things for our brother according to God's will, we can be confident that God will glorify Himself through fulfilling our petitions. The Holy Spirit is good enough at bringing things to my brothers' attention and doesn't need me to play God. :)
This seems counterintuitive, especially to those of us sisters who are fix-its. (As opposed to those who tend to overlook things in order to keep the peace.) When we see a problem, and we know the fix to it, why keep the fix to ourselves when we know it would help them?? The problem with this, I believe, is that the human heart has a natural aversion to being instructed, unless it is being received from a loving source, and then only up to a certain extent. I don't believe that the natural heart loves receiving the instruction of wisdom. Instead, I believe that the natural tendency is to harden ones' neck against it... not that this is right! It is only after wisdom creates a desire in a man to hear the rebukes of life and humility lowers and softens him to a receiving posture toward rebuke, that he will naturally receive it without hardness or bitterness. It takes a great deal of effort to become such a person that one will receive instruction from joyfully if they do not have the spirit of wisdom that will cause them to listen. And even if he has become that person by God's grace, there is still only so much we can say before our words lose potency... and start to sting.
Instead, the Holy Spirit knows how to gently pry and mould a heart without breaking it, crushing it, or ruining it. Best to leave that to His leading, I think. :) He'll do a perfect job, but if I try too hard, I'll ruin my position of influence.
I know this verse was written for wives, but I think the concept is a very sure one:
"Wives, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives..."
~ 1 Peter 3:1 ~
2) I can be his angel
In J.R. Miller's book, "Homemaking," there is a section of which I underlined and starred every single line. I frequently think about that passage from this chapter and have never forgotten it. It goes like this:
"Sisters may be their brother's angels. There is a picture of a child walking on a path that is covered with flowers. Along the edge of the narrow way is shrubbery which hides from the child's sight a deep precipice. The child is unconscious of danger, charmed by the flowers and not seeing how one misstep would hurl it to death. Over the little pilgrim's head hovers a shadowy angel form, scarcely visible, but with eager, loving interest in his eye, while his hand gently touches the child's shoulder; his mission is to guide the child's steps, to shield it from danger and to keep it from falling. The picture represents a truth in the loving providence of God. There are angels who guard, guide, shelter, and keep God's children. They are ministering spirits. They keep us in all our ways. Over each one of us a guardian angel hovers unseen evermore.
{Quick note that just because I typed that up doesn't necessarily mean that I believe that in the strictest sense of the word. But it was necessary for laying the foundation for the rest of this, which is amazing.}
But there is also a most blessed angel ministry of sisters in behalf of their brothers. There is no need to paint here any picture of the perils to which young men are exposed in this world. It makes the heart bleed to see how many of the noblest of them are destroyed, dragged down to ruin, their fair lives blackened, their godlike manhood debauched. They got out of the home pure, with lofty aspirations, with high hope, with brilliant promises, challenging the admiration of all who know them; they come back, how often stained, degraded, hopes wrecked, promises unfulfilled. Every young man who enters life enters a fierce battle in which no truce will come till he either lies down in final defeat or wins the last victory and enters into joy and rest. Life is hard. The young enter it without thought, without anxiety, without serious or solemn sense of danger. But, it is one prolonged struggle with enemies and with perilsl.
"What is life, father?"
A battle, my child,
Where the strongest lance may fail,
Where the wariest eyes may be beguiled,
And the stoutest heart may quail;
Where the foes are gathered on every hand,
And rest not day or night;
And the feeble little ones must stand
In the thickest of the fight.
To every young man life is especially hard. As he goes into it, he needs the sympathy of all who love him; he needs the prayers and the help of all his friends. For want of the strong support of love, many a young man goes down in the battle, and many who come through victorious owe their victories to the holy affection of truly loyal hearts that inspired them with hope and courage in all their hours of struggle. The value of strong friendships never can be known in this world.
Next to mother and father, there is no one who can do so much to help a young man to live nobly as his own sister. She cannot always go with him. Her weak arm could not always shield him if she were beside him. But there is a help which she can give him that will prove mightier than her presence. It is not the help of good advice and earnest words--these should have power too--but the help rather of silent and holy influence, gained in the home by a life of unselfishness and beauty, and then held as a potent charm outside and beyond the home walls. There is a power over her brother possible to every true sister, which would be like the very hand of God to guide him and restrain him in all the paths of life. All sisters, however, do not have this power over their brothers, and alas! sometimes the power is for evil rather than for good.
May I try to tell you, dear girls, how you can indeed be your brothers' guardian angels? Show them in your own lives at home the perfect grace and beauty of true, noble, and lofty womanhood. Strive after all that is delicate, all that is pure, all that is tender, all that is holy and sacred in their divine ideal of woman. Show them in yourselves such perfect loveliness that they will turn away ever after from everything that is unlovely. Make virtue so as they see it embodied in you, that they will always be repelled by vice. Let them see in you such purity of soul, such sweetness of spirit, such divine sanctity, that wherever they go your influence will hang about them like an armor of defense, or, like an angel, hover above their heads in perpetual benediction. Be as nearly a perfect woman, each one of you through Christ's help, as it is possible for you to be. Then when temptations come to your brother there will rise up before his eyes such visions of purity and love that he will turn away with loathing from the tempter.
But oh! if you are not such angels of true womanhood to your brothers, if you do not fill their souls with visions of purity and sweetness, what help do you hope to be to them when they stand in the face of sore temptations? If you are deceitful; if you are selfish; if you are false; if you violate the holy proprieties of modesty and true refinement; if you are frivolous and trifling; if you follow pleasure, turning away from everything serious; if you are careless or heartless, do not deceive yourselves with the vain hope that you can be in any high sense your brothers' guardians in the day of danger. You may advise, you may persuade, you may implore with tears and every token of tender love, when they begin to yield, but your entreaties will avail nothing because your own life has failed to stand the test and to exhibit before them a lofty ideal of womanhood. But if you will only be true, noble, unselfish, gentle, womanly, in the highest, purest sense; if you only are thoughtful and considerate and live fo a purpose, making your character decided and strong, you will throw over your brothers silent, imperceptible yet mighty influence, which will be a shield to them in danger, a panoply in temptation, and which will fill their hearts with the purest, loftiest aspirations and aims.
A writer has truthfully said in speaking of a sister's influence upon her brother: "Woman is to him an object of respect or contempt, according to what he sees of his sister's mind and heart. She cannot therefore be too careful in teaching him to respect as well as love her. She cannot confer on him a greater kindness than by giving him an exalted idea of womanhood. She cannot inflict a greater injury than by leading him to think that all women are trifling, heartless, indolent except in the pursuit of pleasure, and greedy of admiration."
"We know not half the power for good or ill
Our daily lives possess o'er one another;
A careless word may help a soul to kill,
Or by one look we may redeem our brother.
'Tis not the great things that we do or say,
But idle words forgot as soon as spoken;
And little thoughtless deeds of every day
Are stumbling-blocks upon which the weak are broken."
4) I can inspire him
Something mom has told me over and over again is that "when a man loves a woman, he will climb mountains for her." This is not to say that we should ever in any way manipulate our brothers, but this statement often challenges me. "Am I a woman my brothers would climb a mountain for?" A man will simply not climb a mountain for just anybody, but if she has his heart, there is possible potential for that.
While it is true that a man will not just climb a mountain for anybody, neither will he climb just any mountain, but only the one that he believes she wants him to climb. He will not willingly spend his effort in vain.
If your brothers really loved you, what mountain would they believe you would desired them to climb?
This is where a woman's greatest potential for influence lies. The things that she values are the things he will chase after.
I realize that there is some difference between a brother and a lover, but I have also witnessed the principle carrying over into this relationship, to a certain degree. When there is genuine "brotherly affection" between a sister and her brother(s), he will not only think twice before devoting himself to something he knows she disapproves of, but will tend to be more eager to spend his energy on things he knows she values. The debt of love is a powerful thing.
Firstly, are you a woman he would climb a mountain for, and secondly, are your mountains something worth climbing? Will he be a better man for climbing them? Or just more cultured, more in love with the world, or more intelligent or fashionable? Will 'climbing your mountain' make him more in love with Christ?
5) I can be his greatest encourager
This morning was pretty unusual!
I woke up at 6:30 (like usual) and headed to the couch on the landing for devotions.
I didn't get off the couch until 12:25.
Yeah. I journaled all morning. (Unlike usual.) (This is the life!!! Lol. It was Saturday, btw.)
Around 8:00 or so, I heard the 3D printer start to run, and a brother joined me on the landing with his laptop. Every so often he would turn his laptop around and show me what he was designing, or tell me about the advantages of certain springs or props over other ones, the advantages of his new laptop, software update pros & cons, tried to get me to guess what he was designing, showed me a trick involving nail heads, screw-drivers, and plastic, and explained what a "tree support" is on the 3D developing software he was using.
Now. Do I know anything about 3D printing? Well, a little bit, because he's told me about it often. Am I interested in 3D printing? Not beyond my interest in his interest. Did I understand all that he was talking about? Um, well, not really really... :/ Was I trying to journal? Yes. (Did I mind his interruptions? No, I love him. And was he sensitive to not talk my ear off and did he ask me if I was "trying to journal and wanted him to stop?" Yes, he did. :) But, even though it didn't 'feel' as important to listen to all his thoughts and passions about 3D, I knew that it was. Just listening to his passions, trying to understand, and asking questions - even if they're sort of uninformed sometimes, he doesn't care - is how I tell him that I approve of what he's interested in and encourage him to pursue it.
This brother has always been quieter in public but loves to tell me all about his designs in great detail at home. I have not always been interested in his projects - and to this day I still can't say I understand them, he's really a genius - but I finally realized one day that if I sort of shrugged him off or indicated that I wasn't interested in listening, I would be telling him that I didn't think that his passions were worth my time. And if they aren't worth my time, would he really think they're worth anyone's time?
All of my brothers seem to have a need to have someone to bounce ideas off of, whether they're extroverted or not. Sometimes my flesh doesn't love the idea of being a full-time bounce-ideas-off-of board (especially since I have a million of my own!), but I asked myself, "If they're not able to bounce their ideas off of me, what will happen to their ideas? They will never bud. I want my brothers to have a fair opportunity to be successful and achieve great things, so I will gladly make myself their idea-bouncing board."
Usually - about 90% of the time - I don't fully understand their ideas, or can't give advice, but I can still listen fully, try to comprehend, and ask questions about what I don't understand. This is helpful because then they can realize their idea more fully by explaining it to me, possibly find loopholes in it while doing so, and it also shows that I am genuinely listening and care about enough about it to ask questions.
In my experience, this is one of the largest ways I can encourage my brothers. I used to think that leaving them notes of encouragement all the time was how I could best encourage them, but I found that only some brothers latched onto this, and that for all of them, regardless of their love languages, showing approval and support for their thoughts and ideas by listening to them and asking questions was a more daily needed and powerful way to be their greatest encourager. I can tell that each of them thrive when they have a sound-board, and each of them shrivel up when they don't.
6) I can be a motivation for his spiritual growth
I have a friend who was once convicted about her lack of time spent with the Lord. She decided she wanted to spend more time with Him, so she began getting up early and sitting out on the couch reading her Bible in the mornings. She did this day in and day out for months. Eventually, one of her brothers started joining her. When she asked about this new behavior of his, he confessed that seeing her sitting there every morning convicted him every day until he realized that he wanted to be spending more time with the Lord too.
A.W. Tozer said--
"There are rare Christians whose very presence incites others to be better Christians. I want to be one of those rare Christians."
I know that brothers and sisters can be excellent running buddies in the race of life. How do I know that? Well, my own brothers are for me. My oldest brother once set a goal of praying every day for half an hour, and he did it. That was unspeakably inspiring to me. His love of prayer was passed on.
I believe that younger siblings expect to become like their older siblings in many ways without even thinking about it. One of my goals in life is to leave footprints on the highest mountains I can climb with God's grace for my younger siblings to follow. I don't want to just 'make it by' in Christianity, but climb to the highest ground possible.
I don't think it's just younger siblings that are watching though. I know from experience as an older sibling, that sometimes it is even more inspiring when a sibling younger than you exhibits Christlike character and pursues Him with fervor and diligence!
We all know that home is the hardest place to be Christlike. So when we are consistently like Him in the home, it shows our siblings that our love for Christ is genuine, pursuing Christ is worthwhile, and Christ makes a direct difference in one's life. (The opposite is also true, sadly.) Also, seeing someone's integrity with the magnificent clarity that one gets from being their sibling, is super convicting.
How can siblings spur each other on and inspire them to grow spiritually in the race of life? By running after Christ as fast and furiously as possible, and not really thinking about "making an impact." I was recently blessed to hear a brother share something about a sister of his, and how she had been an instrument in causing him to pursue the Lord more passionately. He said--
"My desire to seek a relationship with the Lord has increased so much...One significant thing I think is her godliness and desire to seek Christ in all she does... Her desire to meditate on the Lord and
His Word was something I had never really seen before, at least so boldly and openly from a young person. I think I had bought into the lie that I could be a Christian when I was older, and that I didn’t need to strive to know Christ, seek first His kingdom, and truly live as His follower when I was young, but her example and desire for the things of the Lord really just surprised me and I think was one way God has started a great work in my life. I saw a great joy in her that seemed un-circumstantial, something which I never knew was possible because I was not finding my joy in the Lord. I looked at her life: what she talked about most often, what she spent her time doing (memorizing and meditation on God’s Word was a practice I had never really done or thought was profitable as I didn’t have joy or pleasure in the things of the Lord.), how she treated her family (with humility and grace!)… I could go on. But these all showed me what a true Christian WILL be doing if they are truly saved and WILL be things that they desire to do if they are His - no matter their age! Something about all that she was doing gave me the desire to just imitate her as she imitated Christ, and I believe God moved me to truly “Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world” through observing her example. For I knew that “If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that DOETH THE WILL OF GOD ABIDETH FOREVER.” I thank God for her steadfastness! All glory be to Christ!"
The neat thing is that this sister admits that she didn't even realize that this was the power of her example. She says that she had been seeing some amazing growth of fruit in him, but didn't realize that her influence was that intertwined with what was going on. She was just doing the next right thing, and this is what happened.
Wow, so beautiful. (Praise God!!)
Another brother once said of a sister of his - "I have always respected her commitment to what she believes is right. Her willingness to serve others, to share what is going on in her life, and to ask for help. It has been a great example."
Apparently, they're watching. *Shrugs.*
All of this said, if we are pursuing the Lord because we want to inspire our brother and we think he needs some inspiring in his life (i.e. we think he has missed the ball spiritually) then we are definitely doing it all for the wrong reasons. Christ is the beautiful thing we are pursuing, not some change in our brother's external behavior. (What a joke!) And if God wants to change them, He can do it without our conscious effort. :)
3) I can be one of his truly closest friends
"Between brother and sister there should be a friendship deep, strong, close, confiding, and faithful."
~ J.R. Miller ~
Perhaps the above thoughts have inspired you. Perhaps you had not realized this level of influence was yours as a sister. But, while all of what I have just said is true, I must also add that - unless God uses her example despite herself, which is very rare and not something to stake upon - it is only true to the sister who does not have enmity, estrangement, disinterest, or offenses holding her down. The woman who possesses a beautiful influence over her brothers is the one who is free from those things. And, if she is free, I believe that her influence even rises with the level of their friendship. As no thing can fly when it is weighed down, so relationships must be --at minimum!-- free from the weight of sin and negativity before they can begin to soar.
I want to just encourage you that if you are discouraged and you have never been able to soar, the first step is not to flap your wings really hard, it is to remove the ankle weights. Remove the ankle weights first.
These questions might help:
1) Am I a source of criticism to my brother?
2) Do I talk to him more about how he should change than anything else?
3) Do I ever raise my voice at him, yell at him, or show frustration/irritation in him?
4) Do I let anything pass out of my lips about him to others that would not be honoring to him?
J. R Miller says in his book, "Homemaking" --
"In the children growing up together there are the possibilities of a very rich life, with deep joys, fond ties, and mutual inspirations. There is wanting only the mighty transforming power of affection to bring out all these possibilities."
He goes on to say, (this is SO GOOD, you need to read it!!)
What should be the home intercourse of brothers and sisters? What should they do toward the home-life? How should they live together? These questions may be answered in general by saying that a close and tender friendship should exist between them. This sounds like a very commonplace remark. Of course brothers and sisters should be friends. No one denies it. But do we universally find this warm, loving, and tender friendship where there are young people in a home? We often find strong ties and attachments, mutual affection and interest, and much that is very beautiful; but when we come closer and look for friendship in the true sense, it is wanting. The brothers and sisters may love one another very truly, but they seek their friends outside the home. They go outside for warm sympathy, for close intimacy, for confidential companionship... So it is that in very many homes, brothers and sisters come and go, day after day, and year after year, mingling in all the life of the household, but never really forming close friendships among themselves.
If we have a friend whom we respect and prize very highly, we all know at what pains we try to retain his friendship. We are not sure of it regardless of our treatment of him. We are most careful never to do anything to make us seem unworthy of the friendship. We try to prime from our own character anything that would displease our friend. We cultivate assiduously those qualities of heart and life which he admires. We watch for opportunities to do kindnesses and show favors to him. We guard against whatever would wound or cause him pain. We give him our confidence, we trust him, and prove our affection for him in countless ways. Let no one suppose that home friendships can be won and kept in any other way.
Why should not a brother make a confidante of his own sister rather than of any other? Why should not a sister look to her own brother for counsel, for protection, for advice, rather than to any other? Why should not brothers be proud to have their own sisters lean upon their arms? And why should not sisters be proud to look up into the faces of their brothers, and feel secure in the shelter of their manly love? Brothers and sisters are each other's natural keepers. If they fulfilled their duties in this regard, the one to the other, life would show fewer wrecks. They should shield each other. They should be an inspiration to each other in the direction of all noble thought and better life. They should be each others' guardian angels in this world of danger and false and fatal paths.
Some thoughts on hypocrisy:
(How does this picture relate to hypocrisy? Well, not directly... it's just one of the only pictures I have of myself + several sibs on my computer. XD)
If you haven't read the book, "It's {Not That} Complicated," put it on the top of your to-read list. Please. Every bit of the book was mind-blowing and life-changing, but chapter 4 really deals with what I'm talking about in this article.
A question I once dared to ask myself is, "Hm... if I ever get married one day, would it be hypocrisy to get married at the state I am at right now?" What I meant was... pledging your life to someone means you really love them, unconditionally, but would my brothers look at my relationship with this {hypothetical} person and be like, "Yeah right. Let's see how long that lasts. If you are able to love him like that, why couldn't you love us like that? You're a hypocrite."
Anna Sofia & Elizabeth asked a similar questions:
"If you really treated the young men you know exactly the way you treat your biological brothers (minus, for example, physical affection)... what would that look like? Visualize it in full Technicolor and surround sound, down to the way you respond to your little brother when he barges into your room for the hundredth time while you're in a crabby mood. Then project that image onto how you might respond to "Brandon" when he accidentally spills Cherry Coke on your new sweater. What would it do to your social life? The respect and appreciation you value so much from your guy friends now... would it still be there? What would your reputation become? The fact is, many of us could treat a young man like dirt and honestly say we're treating him "just like we treat our brothers." Was this what the apostle Peter meant? "Love as brothers..." (1 Peter 3:8.) We get no spiritual kudos for how sweetly we said, "Don't mention it" when Brandon ruined our sweater, if we shouted at little Johnny when he broke our perfume bottle. Let's say we have the very purest motives in being kind to Brandon. Let's say we just want to be friends and have a mutually edifying relationship of encouraging each other in the Lord. Very magnanimous of us. But isn't it a little hypocritical to want to be wonderful sisters in Christ to our young men friends, if we have actual brothers at home we're neglecting? - and perhaps it should cause us to question the purity of our motives after all. We like to go blessing people outside the family with our "love" - but if we haven't learned to demonstrate it consistently and selflessly to those who we can't get anything out of, it's probably not real love."
We are only as good as we are at our worst.
If you're like me, that was probably super convicting. Maybe even discouraging. Perhaps even cause for despair. "How can I ever get out of this hole? I *am* a hypocrite! Oh, I have to start all over again!!" But if so, good. Don't despair, you have nothing to lose by getting back up again. And everything if you stay down!
Some thoughts on responsibility:
If you've read this entire article (kudos to you!) you may be wondering if I believe sisters are their brothers' keepers. To be clear, I do not. Every man will be responsible before God for his own actions. If little Johnny grows up to be a wicked man, it is because he is a wicked man. Not because you were not a good enough sister to him. But even more reason why we should strive to be the best sisters we can be - because we are responsible for our actions!
Some thoughts on speaking the truth in love:
I want to communicate more clearly what I briefly said earlier - that biting our tongues and being a source of encouragement does not mean that we can never give a loving rebuke or speak the truth to them. But if you're like me, most of the negative things I have said to my brothers were not generally borne out of a hatred for sin because of my love of God's holiness and a tender care for their souls, but merely out of an annoyance with their behavior. It was not spoken out of true love for them, but love for myself and my own preferences. Essentially, I wanted to "fix" them so that I could experience the blessings of having a better brother in my life. That is not true love. One of my friends recently said, "A faithful sister in Christ will be just as uncomfortable with your sins as she is with hers." So when a truly loving sister is pointing out sin in a brothers' life, it is because she loves him and his soul, loves God and His honor, and cares for his relationship with God. She can't bear the thought of his sins separating him from Him, God being grieved at what he is doing, or him having to live with the horrible consequences of his actions. See, it's all love. Even if it's hard or uncomfortable, she will speak the truth in the right way (in love) at the right time (when he will accept it) because she desires him to be fully pleasing to the Lord and lead a holy and happy life with all the blessings that follow. NOT because she has a spite against him and wants revenge or because she is inconvenienced by him and needs him to fix himself for her sake.
In order to respond that way, it takes viewing the annoying, aggravating, frustrating things they do not as attacks against us, but sin against God.
When David was on the warpath to Nabal's house, he was about to sin. If Abigail had viewed his behavior as a personal attack against her, her speech to him would probably have looked more like, "Davvvvid, stooppppp!!! You're so terrible!! What in the world would ever make you think you could kill these men??? Didn't you even stop to consider how that would ruin my life?? Don't you men ever think??! What are you doooinggggg???!!!!!"
Instead, she saw what he was about to do as sin, and stepped in to implore him to stick to the path of righteousness. She treated him as the servant of God that he was, assumed that he wouldn't do what he was on the path to do (because it was sin and sin is not what a child of God does) and said that when God fulfilled his promises to him by making him king, then "this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself." (1 Samuel 25:31.)
This gracious speech saved David from sinning in this way. He responded:
"Blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand." 1 Samuel 25:33.
I couldn't help but notice that this is not often the way that men respond to rebuke. I think this is possibly because instead of shooting him down for what he was going to do, Abigail inspired him to shoot for something higher. Instead of dumping trash on him, she honored him as the man of God he was in God's sight (even if it was hard to see at the moment!) And as a result, he was gently humbled to a position of seeing his sin and yet not crushed to the position of not wanting to rise from it.
Genius.
I often think of this when I feel like pointing something out to a brother. "Am I viewing this as SIN against GOD, or an insult against me? Do I want to bring this up to him so that he will be a more holy man, or because I want him to finally know how I feel about this certain thing? As a result, will this hurt him or build him up in his relationship with the Lord?"
True love speaks the truth out of a position of love of righteousness, not love of self. A hatred for sin, not the inconvenience they caused. And because it is spoken out of love, it is carefully encased in a balm that will cause the truth to go down easier. Do you remember the "chocolate-covered pill" from "The Princess Bride"? Love is like the chocolate, or the sugar, that helps the medicine go down. :)
"Truth not spoken in love ceases to be true because it's bent and twisted by other human agendas."
~ Author unknown. ~
What to do with spineless dolts:
I once heard a sister call her brother a 'spineless dolt' and ask for advice on what to do. Chances are, your brothers probably didn't come out of the womb as perfect gentlemen. And until they are glorified, they will not be perfect. This means they have shortcomings. Sometimes very severe shortcomings, especially if they are not saved!
If I were the one giving the advice to this girl, I would say, first of all, don't title him a spineless dolt. Perhaps he is, but it doesn't need to be driven in. Men (and women, too,) tend to become what people say of them. Calling him a spineless dolt will discourage him, take away hope of improving from him, and show that you don't have good expectations of him.
Secondly, pray... if God has helped you diagnose him with 'spineless doltism,' don't keep the diagnosis to yourself, petition the only Physician who can cure! If you would spend your words willingly spewing his diagnosis at him but aren't willing to go before the throne of grace on his behalf, it shows that you really don't love him.
Be genuinely encouraging to him as you see anything but spineless doltism springing up in his life. Water it with gratitude (not flattery or manipulating praise) and continued prayer.
Submit this to God... let Him do the work.
Yet at the same time, also maybe evaluate your life. I'll copy some more from "It's {Not That} Complicated."
"How we treat them can teach them that:
- Their opinions don't matter
- Their leadership is stupid
- Their protection is insulting
- Their manliness is disgusting
- Their confidence is ridiculous
- Their interests are boring
- Their presence is obnoxious
Our behavior can tell them this instead:
- We're eager to hear their opinions
- We look to their leadership
- We need their protection
- We're inspired by their manliness
- We draw confidence from their confidence
- We are interested in their interests because we are interested in them
- And we love to be around them!"
Perhaps the sister of a spineless dolt could try supporting him with encouragement until he can stand on his own.
And that's all my thoughts for today, friends! Thanks for reading. :) And feel free to ask any questions if you like in the comments. :)
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