I would most definitely choose going to a party over reading a book any day. That's saying a lot, because I L O V E books!!! The way I do this is I read books in the car. I totally wish I could read and talk to people at the same time. :D Being with people is my favorite place to be (usually :D)
However, although I am naturally more friendly, this does not mean I do not wrestle with shyness, and it most definitely does not mean that I've never experienced butterflies and shaking when approaching a gather where there will be people. In fact, I have gotten so nervous before that I felt like.. never mind, I'll spare you the details. :D Whenever I tell people that I actually do get shy, they usually react in a shocked manner, but it's true. However, whenever my shyness tries to conquer me, I strive to conquer it, and I would like to share with you some things I have learned about doing that, and just about being around people in general.
It's All About Serving:
It takes selflessness to be around people successfully. What I mean is, when I walk into a room with people in it, I have to remind myself, "girl, you're not here to get attention or affirmation or to be served. You are here to bless others, show Christ's love, listen to those who need to share, and to encourage others." This always helps me when I'm feeling nervous, because instead of wondering, "Who is going to talk to me?" it reminds me to smile, scan the room for someone I can talk to, and then take initiative. It's hard, and I'm not always good at it, but I'm learning.
In a nutshell: Nervousness and shyness almost always accompany self-centeredness. I once heard someone say that "humility is simply forgetting self." If you can completely forget about yourself, you will be able to reach outside of your comfort zone to show Christ's love.
A man who has friends must himself be friendly...
~ Proverbs 18:24
No One Ever Estimated The Worth Of A Smile:
I used to walk into social gatherings with a worried or sad look on my face. I thought it might make people wonder what my expression was about and come talk to me about it, thus saving me the awkwardness of having to take initiative and be the first to say hello. It never worked. No one ever took the bait. (Just in case you're wondering, I was eight years old when I did this. I do not do this anymore!! LOL :D) It just goes to show how me-centered I was.
When you smile, it says that:
1. You're happy to be there! (Or at least trying to be)
2. You are full already and are not there to be filled by someone else. Rather, if someone needs encouragement, you would be a good person to talk to! In other words, you are not there to be served in any way (physically, emotionally, etc.,) but to serve.
3. You love the people that are there (at least, you don't hate them)
4. It shows that you are not a sulk, and that you have chosen to live on the sunny side. It's one of the best ways to show that you are full of the joy that comes from when you are surrendered to God.
Don't stop smiling once you've gone through the door. Smile when you're walking through the hall and there would usually be no 'reason' for you to be smiling. Smile when you greet people to show them you care. Keep smiling! It took a couple of weeks for me to get used to it, but now it's a habit (though sometimes I have to remind myself.) Here are just a couple of the hundreds of things I've heard people say about people who smile:
"Every time I look at them, they're smiling! It's such a blessing, and it makes me want to smile!"
"They're such a joyful person."
"Why do they smile so much?" (This one's my favorite!!)
"They smile a lot."
"I forgot what they look like, but I could remember their smile."
A smile is an outward evidence of inward praise that gives
glory to God and beauty to my countenance.
~ Author Unknown
In A Nutshell:
Use your smile for God's glory! It's amazing what an impact it will have. It's one of the easiest ways to serve.
...A man’s wisdom makes his face shine, And the sternness of his face is changed.
~ Ecclesiastes 8:1 ~
"Do You Garden? What Do You Like About Radishes?"
You know that awkward moment when there's nothing more to say, but you don't want to leave? Terrible. Horrible. It's my nightmare. I will do anything to avoid it, including making really awkward statements that don't mean anything to anyone.
I remember when I was young, every week on the way to church, my parents would remind us to talk to 5 adults. On the way home, they would ask us who we talked to. I remember one week asking what to do when you don't know what to say. (I'd had experience, see? *wink.* :D) My parents had us memorize some questions in the car, right then and there.
- What do you do for a living?
- What things do you like to do in your free time?
- Do you have any pets?
- So tell me about your family!
- Have you ever been abroad?
- What are some of your favorite books?
- Do you play any instruments?
This is just a smattering. :D
They also taught us how to 'follow through.' For example, if you ask Mr. Smith about his job, once he's told you about it, ask him what the pros and cons are about his job. Here are some follow-through questions for the rest of the ones I listed above:
- What motivated you to pick that hobby up?
- What's your pet's name? What do you like to do with it? Do you see yourself creating a job out of that interest?
- What are each of your family members interested in?
- What was something you learned while there? (Or, if they've never been abroad, where would they like to go? Why?)
- How do you read books? Do you just read them, or do you critically think about them? If you could write a book, what would it be about? Are you reading anything currently?
- How do you see yourself using that skill in the future?
If you find yourself in the "I don't know what to say, but I don't want to leave" spot often in your conversations, it might be a good idea to write down some of these questions, repeat them to yourself a couple times, or role-play them with a sibling (or a stuffed animal. XD) Something I've found helpful is to write down specific questions in a small notepad that I want to ask certain people, as soon as I think of them. If I think I'm going to forget them, I read them through right before I go somewhere where those people are going to be, or right before they come over. Inside secret: I've also run upstairs once while company was over to review them because I forgot!! XD :D
In A Nutshell: Be familiar with questions you can ask people. Write them down, memorize them, or practice getting good at thinking of them. Questions have follow-up questions - learn to ask those, as well. They're very easy, and make a question go a lot farther. The one who asks the questions leads the conversation.
Now so it was that after three days they found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, both listening to them and asking them questions.
~ Luke 2:46 ~
"His Name Is John!!"
"Hi, it's great to have you here!" I said as I reached over and shook the hand of a new team member at volleyball. "My name is Katarina," I added. This man looked confused for a moment, and then he said, "Oh, I'm never going to remember that. I'm horrible at names." I smiled and looked away. Inwardly, I was shaking my head. Really? I was thinking. Those eight little letters aren't important enough to you to devote just a little bit of effort to remember them? It would mean so much to me.
The root cause, the reason people habitually forget names and use the excuse that they just can't do it, is that they don't care. If they really did care, they would try really hard to remember peoples' names, and they would experience more victories. Unless you suffer from a bad learning disability, Alzheimer's disease, or death, you CAN remember peoples' names. Perhaps your memory is really weak, but, just like when you exercise a muscle it becomes stronger, if you exercise your memory, it will become stronger. Exercise it!
I love telling this story:
Three years ago, memorizing three verses was a big challenge for me. But I just kept memorizing verses. The Bible Bee was a great motivation. That year, I memorized about 2-300 verses. The next 2 years after that, I memorized about 1,200 verses per year. Now, I can memorize three verses with precious little effort. It took work to get to this point, but it is extremely attainable. I memorize verses because I treasure God's Word. In the same way, if you care about peoples' names, you CAN remember them.
Here is another story that ties into this section's title, "His Name Is John!!" I hope it will encourage you. :D
One time at volleyball, there was a new player. I'll call him Jim. He was a very passionate fellow and was really exerting himself and trying to be friendly... and remember peoples' names. One week he came in and he ran up to my oldest brother and said, "It's John, isn't it?!" My brother said, "Yes, it is." This guy (I'll call him Jim) started jumping up and down (this guy is a dad, by the way!) "YES!!!!!" he shouted. "Oh, I tried SO HARD to remember that name!!! Last night I was lying in bed and I almost forgot it, so I repeated to myself, "His name is John. His name is John. John. John. John. Then I woke my wife up and said, 'hey honey, his name is J O H N' and she was like 'okay?? Can I go back to sleep now?' But I remembered it!!!" He finished his story with a big grin.
If you have Jim's dedication to memorizing names, I guarantee, you will meet with success. Here are some tips:
- Repeat the name back to them. If they say, "Hi, my name is Reagan!" you can say, "Reagan you said? Nice to meet you, Reagan! So, Reagan, what things are you interested in?" If you didn't hear the name correctly, or you are unsure that what you heard is really correct, ask them! People like to hear their name pronounced correctly and will appreciate that you want to, as well.
- Repeat it in your head a couple of times as you speak. Reagan. Reagan. Reagan.
- As soon as you leave the conversation, jot down their name somewhere. Anywhere. Draw a picture that relates to the name you just learned if that helps you. For example, Reagan obviously relates to Ronald Reagan.
I have a friend who carries around a paper in his pocket with a whole bunch of names on it, and he reviews it whenever he has a moment to himself at events. He may not ALWAYS remember peoples' names, but he gets them right at least 95% of the time, and people just love him because of the fact that he wants to remember their name. When your name is important to someone, you can't help liking them!
- If you talk to someone else after that, mention that you talked to Reagan.
- If, even after all that work, you still forget someone's name, just ask them! It's not a big deal. It's way better than never using it at all, or calling them the wrong name because you can't remember the right one. People appreciate any work you put into remembering their name.
In A Nutshell: Try to remember peoples' names! It shows that you really care. Any effort you put into remembering a name will be appreciated. If you still forget, make sure to mention how hard you tried. People just like to know that their name is important to you. Once you've remembered a name, try to use it as often as possible. Instead of saying, "hey, could you grab that?" try "hey Elizabeth, could you grab that?"
A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, Loving favor rather than silver and gold.
~ Proverbs 22:1 ~
Hands...
I am so glad that we forget that our hands exist sometimes. If we were always conscious of what our hands were doing, you know how awkward that would be? Still, sometimes we can get overly conscious about them at just the wrong moments and get distracted by them. Here's a simple tip I learned public speaking:
Figure out a default hand position you can revert to whenever you don't know what to do with them. I decided to fold my hands in front of me. You can also fold them behind your back, but in general, it's more polite to keep your hands visible (not in your pockets or behind or back.) Then, once they're there, really concentrate on what you're talking about. Think of questions! Ask questions! Devote your entire attention to the person in front of you. If you succeed at that, you'll forget about your hands, and they will do something really natural. :D
Lift up your hands in the sanctuary, And bless the Lord.
~ Psalm 134:2 ~
Sweep The Corners
Here you'll find new people who haven't been introduced to anyone yet, and the people who are so shy they don't know what to do with themselves. While it usually takes a sacrifice (i.e., not getting to talk to your good friend just yet, facing your own fears, and perhaps making commitments you'd rather not make) to talk to these people, it is rewarding.
But if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?
~ Matthew 5:46
~ To The Utmost Glory Of God ~