"Ugh."
I groaned, closed my eyes, shook my head furiously, and felt like pulling out part of my brain. How could I have done that? THAT, of all things, I had to do that. So embarrassing. It was yet another one of those times when my wandering mind had pulled out another embarrassing thing I'd done. I'll be the first to admit I'm not past sinning. Not that it's okay - I HATE my sin and make war with it, but that doesn't change the fact that I do sin and sometimes it 'haunts' me. I wish it would leave me - often these thoughts torments me while I'm just going about my business.
What in the world do you tell yourself in that situation? I've tried telling my brain to shut up a million times. I wish there was a solution like "say ten teen tide tile tote ten times" until you forget about it.
I prayed, asking God what I should think/feel/do about it. Should I just forgive myself each time? Was it right to forgive myself?
The Lord showed me through His Word and through some good, theological material, that the problem was my...
worldview.
I believe that Jesus took my sins upon Himself and was crushed on my behalf and that it is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me. I also know that I can NOT get to heaven on my own. But somehow, I couldn't look past my guilt. I had an expectation for myself that I failed to hit, and therefore, I was angry at myself!
Expectations:
Have you ever stopped to think about how destructive expectations can be? We all have expectations for everything - ourselves, others, our things, our life, and even God. When they aren't met, we often react wrongly. We forget to surrender our expectations first. Before anything bad happens to our expectations, we need to wipe them away with surrender.
I also believe it is wrong to be lazy about my sin. I did not become a Christian just to get a 'get-out-of-hell-free-card.' I became a Christian because only Christ is worthy of praise, and He called and chose me 'that I should bear fruit.' He bestows such love and mercy on me, and as a follower of Christ, I strive to follow His example and obey Him with the grace He gives me. This means I make war with my sin.
But I also know this:
I cannot pass the test. It is not like I was "short a few dollars to buy salvation." It is like I am dead in debtor's prison. So I embrace that fact and praise the Lord for his abundant wealth. The fact that I can't do it on my own would be the. worst. news anyone could ever come up with if it wasn't for Christ. He is sufficient!
In life, there are so many expectations we 'have' to meet in order to x, y, and/or z. Ever heard this one?
Did you do your homework sweetie?
If you don't do your homework you'll never get to college
If you don't go to college, you'll never get a job
If you don't get a job, you won't have any money
If you don't have any money, you won't be able to buy food
If you can't buy food, you won't be able to eat
If you can't eat, you'll die.
All alone.
In the rain.
Thanks adam4d.com
Today I encourage you (and me!) to stop looking at your past and look past your past. Let the truth that you are dead in your trespasses and sins soak into you. Wipe away with surrender the expectation that you are good enough. Then look past your expectations and sin to see Christ and His grace. Jesus did everything required for you, because you can't. He was crushed by the Father that we might inherit His righteousness as our own. Our holiness is not something we can gain - it is something we receive. It is DONE.
Then let's keep looking past our past - keep fighting our sin - keep receiving His grace - and keep on praising Him.
~ To The Utmost Glory Of God ~
P.S. If you want to read some more encouraging thoughts, I suggest this comic by Adam Ford - "Keep Fighting."